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In January 2024 the internet exploded with articles about TV personality Gayle King ‘s appearance on the popular The Pivot Podcast.   In it, the 69-year-old King expressed having dating difficulties when she was asked about her romantic life. In particular, she reports that men find her intimidating. 

If you are a woman and you are in Ms. King’s income bracket or are a high earning professional, that is a valid dilemma. The reality is if a man is secure in who he is and has valuable qualities to offer, this should not be a problem. Often, there are issues associated with income status or lifestyle that do not translate well in real life. 

Regardless of one’s financial status, the consensus is that dating in today’s environment is difficult for a variety of reasons. 

Things are different from what they once were in the dating world. While the end goal is the same – to find love or a romantic partner – making connections is more complex, and the expectations are more complicated. People dating nowadays are caught in the in-between – filtering their choices and assumptions based on their parents or grandparents’ definition of relationships, and trying to navigate the challenges and realities of modern-day dating. This can cause one to feel like my friend Charles F. said, “cognitively challenged,” when it comes to understanding what a relationship is or should be.

When I was a young adult in the 1980’s, people still dated with the intentions of becoming a couple. Boy met girl, liked each other, and became boyfriend/girlfriend. If everything lined up and over time they developed love for each other, they might eventually get engaged and get married.

By the time I became a single adult after a breakup from a ten-year relationship in the mid 1990’s, I experienced the dating difficulties that people still face today. I couldn’t find a compatible mate. I wanted a serious long-term partnership. The men I encountered were pursuing casual relationships.

In the 2020s, single people have a lot more to contend with. According to the survey, Dating & Relationships in the 2020s, single men and women respondents blamed “social influences” as the top culprit for the complications associated with dating. They also chose additional factors that affect the dating terrain. 

Difficulty Factors   Women  Men

Social influences 66% 79%

Narrowed Pool 66% 25%

Complicated lifestyle 29% 36%

Fear of Commitment 60% 50%

Other 3% 32%

We will first examine each factor in detail in the following pages, and subsequently explore potential solutions to address the challenges inherent to the process.

Social Influences

In the science of sociology, social influence refers to how people’s feelings and behaviors are associated with their social world, which results in a tendency to follow trends, and move in tandem with the crowd.  

Real Talk: In this era of social media and ready public access, there are a lot of voices shouting in the desert, and very few of them are genuine prophets.

Currently, most people get their information from some online platform, be it news, research, motivation, advice, etc. If it is on the internet, it must true, right? Well. It ain’t necessarily so.

The internet opened a community of immense proportion where ideas, thoughts, and events are instantaneously shared with an enormous number of people when an item goes viral.  However, does the suggested information align with your personal beliefs, character, or goals? Should you follow it simply because everyone else is? Do you feel pressured to conform in order to be accepted? . . .

Auntie Wisdom:  If you do not know who you are as a full human being, including your gifts, your core values, and your personal beliefs, you risk leaving it open for someone else to come in and write their own narrative for your life. 

An essential tool for leading a fulfilling life and fostering successful relationships is self-awareness. When you truly understand yourself, you become conscious of what aligns with your values and what doesn’t.

If not, someone else might impose their desires and preferences on you, leading you to lose your true essence. Conversely, you must be willing to adjust where necessary to accommodate compatibility with a potential mate. . .

Making a List and checking it twice

We often discuss various topics and hold opinions about them, but when you take time to analyze your thoughts and feelings, a clear picture emerges of what truly matters to you and why. 

Knowing what you are looking for in a mate will help you focus on making connections that matter.

Keep in mind that dating or marriage is a negotiation. 

o This is what I bring to the table. 

o What do you have to offer me? 

o Is there enough synergy for a good alliance? 

Concessions might be necessary, as in any arrangements; but it is crucial that both parties find common ground to establish a successful partnership. 

Fresh* a Safety Manager in Houston stated: “At the end of the day, we all just want to be with someone who appreciates the qualities we bring to the relationship.”